Bears

Bears are big fucking animals.

I am not sure why I am thinking about bears right now, I watched movies all day, I don’t recall a bear being in any of them.  Oh, I had Teddy Grams at one point, but that isn’t it either!

I read a bit of some books, no mention of bears.  I also talked quite a bit, and I don’t think we talked about bears at all.

Weird.

As we really should talk about Bears more, as they are fucking epic.  Except Koala bears, fuck those guys, they aren’t even REAL BEARS!  They are Marsupials and Australian, and they pee on people.  I heard that it was a Koala Bear that taught the sting-ray to kill Steve Irwin.

But real bears, like The Grizzly Bear (with capitalization as they are fucking epic beasts and will fucking fuck you the fuck up.. bitch) are awesome.  They can eat plants, and animals, but they can also catch their own food better than people.  If I want to catch a fish, I use a pole and bait.. some dudes use spears, bears are too fucking cool for tools.  Know what a bear does?  It walks into the fucking river, then it just BITES A FISH OUT OF THE WATER.  BAM! Instant Locks!  But Bears don’t eat bagels and locks, cuz they don’t have fridges or the infrastructure to produce bagels or cream cheese.   But if a bear wanted bagels, they would walk into town and buy some.  What would they pay with?  Well, they would earn money via performing tricks, such as guessing what card you are holding. (the bears cheat, all they have are 2 fishes, and if you try and argue, they kill you.. it’s like being mugged, only slightly more polite, and slightly worse smelling.) Then the bear buys his bagels and cream cheese, then gets a fish.  Then he eats all 3 at once and makes bagels and locks in his stomach.

Bears are also bad-ass.

See, riding horses is cool and all, riding bulls is fine.. but I haven’t ever seen bears in a Rodeo, know why?  Bears are TOO AWESOME for a man to ride.  I know Chuck Norris is a badass and all, but not even HE can ride a bear.  It has been said that Chuck Norris’s tears could cure cancer, but he never cried.. thats just because he knows what would happen if he tried to ride a bear.  See, all bears are communists and in fact are mobile embassies for the USSR, they keep the faith going and all and know martial arts, so when you or Chuck Norris try and ride a bear, he  performs a Russian Reversal, as in Soviet Russia Bear Rides You.  That pun makes Chuck Norris CRY WHEN IT HAPPENS TO HIM, except it hasn’t yet, as he knows when he’s beat.  Bears are also smart enough to not perform a reversal if you offer to let one ride you, as they know your tricks.

Know why there are legends or Werewolves and not Werebears?  As Werewolves can be killed with enough manpower and weapons, Werebears however can’t be stopped.  Wearbears also only turn back into humans when they are bored, and they never get bored of being a bear, as BEARS ARE FUCKING AWESOME.  So thus there are no Werebears in popular fiction, as they would be a bit like Deus Ex Machina, except Deus Ex Ursus.

Moral of the story, we need more bears in our media, otherwise they will take our money and our bagels (in that order).